im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i out mim tonsoeep
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