Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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