I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
