I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
