I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
