OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
