plz talk dirty to me
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
