I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
