Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
