i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
