Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I seem to have left my pride at pride
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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