Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
