I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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