Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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