If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
