apparently the secret to your success is patron
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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