she woke up with a sticky ear
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Your penis caused this!
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
