Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
i've created a new STD.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
