he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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