i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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