i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
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He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
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You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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