I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
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Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
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It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.