exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.