your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment