Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..