I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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