Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
