Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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