i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
