I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
