he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.