Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i think i just lost a toe
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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