this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
