I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
