even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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