i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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