Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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