I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You pole danced in your parka.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
