nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
