god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
