i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
