So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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