Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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