I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
