Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
