I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I enjoy the company of your penis
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
