i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I feel great
I just peed on a car
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
