Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
