She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
