We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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