This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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