I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
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I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
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Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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