Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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