Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
