you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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