Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
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I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything