I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
