sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.