Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.