I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
