Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
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Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
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Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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