Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
