They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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