1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
