Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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