My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
