Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
