Your tits are I can't wait for
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
